The Way to Paradise by Elena Angelova

"We're a long long way, a long way from paradise..."

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, they say. Do you ever wonder why they don't mention the road to paradise?
Because it's paved with mushrooms.
Obviously, that's not what they'd want people to hear. You bet that's not what I wanted to find out. Damn mushrooms. They are all I ever see these days.
"Excuse me?" I hear this voice, coming from my right. Or was it my left?
I don't reply straight away. What fun would it be if I did?
"Excuse me," repeats the voice, more demanding, "how do you distinguish a dead cap from a straw mushroom?"
I shrug. "Why'd you care to distinguish them?"
You bet I am sick of people asking me about the difference between a dead cap and a straw mushroom. You don't choose the edible mushroom - you don't get to paradise. That's how it works these days. I am not everybody's damn compass after all, they should learn to pick the mushrooms on their own.
"Please, I'm starving like hell. Which one should I eat?" wails the voice once more.
"The right question is, which one should you not eat?" I yawn.
The voice is confused. The voice is scared. The voice is too demure to ask yet again. The voice makes his own choice.
I sigh. "Throw it away."
The voice hesitates.
"It's the other one," I explain for the 861st time today, "the one with the pink spore print. If the spore print is white, don't touch the damn mushroom, for it's a damn dead cap."
So the voice thanks me a thousand times, and off he goes. It's just me and the mushrooms. You bet they are not a good company. Damn Amanita phalloides tends to be pretty annoying, actually.
"Excuse me?"
There it goes again. Another clueless soul. I don't even bother with the rhetorical questions. I always tell them eventually anyway.
"It's the one with the pink spore print. Now go chase your paradise. Mind you, it may not be worth it in the end."
And this one is not even going to ask what is not going to be worth it. Why do I even bother? If they don't get the mushrooms, without me, they're doomed. And I won't be here all eternity to give directions, it's a damn waste of time. In fact, I shall take a break very soon.
How many mushrooms long is your road to paradise anyway? It's time for me to get some rest. But I'll be right back, I usually am.
Sincerely, Common Sense.